Why can't I breathe?

Staying at my sister's house this past weekend, I encountered a "situation".

After playing with our sons outside on a bright beautiful afternoon we'd enjoyed some tasty lunch and were winding down for a nap. It was Saturday afternoon at about 1PM. We heard the doorbell and we all stopped. It was like that scene in "A Christmas Story" when they knock to deliver the PRIZE. We all just looked at each other and stood perfectly still. I asked her "Do you want me to see who is there?". She motioned me over and whispered, "Just wait. We've had tons of kids in the neighborhood selling stuff lately and we've bought so much crap."

I crept toward the front door peering thru the glass panel just enough to catch a glimpse of a car. A FREAKING POLICE CAR. 

My entire body went numb. I gasped a bit to catch my breath and then I squeaked out......... "It's a cop car".

Everything slowed down.
She handed me her 3 month old son.

I looked down and him but was just aware enough of his precious little life that I made sure to hold him tight.
I had to sit down.
My mother shooed the kids from the door and tried to distract them from the commotion.
I felt like I could puke. My body shook.
She hadn't even opened the door.
As the glass pane of the storm door opened and the reflection of the officer shown clear as a bell she began to speak.

I didn't hear anything. My mind was speaking.
"This is how it happens" it said
"This is just how everything in your entire life changes"
He's gone
I began to weep and shake.
My mother came to me and said, "It's not anything. It's okay. Some sort of traffic citation or something"

I tried to tell this to my body. I tried to make it stop but I was sobbing even harder.

THIS........RIGHT HERE......is what I had been prepared for (but dreading) the entire 15 months I was alone in that house. Pregnant, waking, reeling in pain, crying, waiting, passing time.

I had just forgotten it was a possibility until that moment.

He was safe. Life was preserved and yet the tears continued to stream.

I love my husband. God forbid there is ever a day that I should loose him.

Dear police officer:

Please call me if you have a question or would like to speak to me about something.

Unless someone is dead, do not come to my door. You have no idea what that means in my mind.

Sincerely,

The wife of a soldier.




Writing prompt from Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop


"When you feared for a loved one's safety."

Monkey See

Jack sound asleep on his MA-PWEEN blanket

My now 19 month old son has almost got me trained. This afternoon as I was folding laundry I came across his big "MaPween" blanket in the basket. I held it up and shook it straight to start folding it. He sees it across the room and runs over to grab it from my hands. I tug back on it hoping to finish folding it and place it out of his reach before he gets a good grip. Too late. He's grunting and leaning into it. That's when I hear him start to scream, "DAHHHHHHHH-P, DAHHHHHHH-P". It took me just a second to realize that my son was screaming the same command at me, his mother that we use when we want Bean to give us back the fetch. Drop, Drop. 

I had to explain to my little dear that "Drop, Drop" is something we only say to doggies. NOT PEOPLE and NOT MOMMIES!!
"Pee-Puh" he says. Pretty sure he doesn't get it.

Man, it's hard not to laugh when the things he says are so logical. Like I said, he's almost got me trained.

Customer Service has gone in the SH!tt@r!

My tale of the most horrible example of customer service to date.


Where: Target :(I know right- I freakin' LOVE Target
CSR: Bernice (I'm not joking. She was in her 70's for sure)


The Scenario:
I am placing my items on the belt and nicely removing the hangers. The cashier gives me a smile and then that smile instantly converts to a sneer. SHE is giving me the look as I pull a few more items out of my reusable shopping bag. I hand her the bag. The bag in which I am hoping she will place my items. She takes it and croaks, "How many items do you have?"


"Excuse me??" I look around to make sure she's talking to me and there is no one in line behind me. "Uh, I guess I didn't count them up. Is there a problem?"


"This is the express lane and you are to have 10 items or less."


Now, at this point she's rung up half my order and she's actively ringing the rest in right now.


"Would you like me to COUNT the items?" I ask her slowly in disbelief. Now I'M giving her the look.


As this dialog is happening I become aware of the fact that she has double rung one of my items. I politely ask her, "Did that ring in twice Ma'am?"


She feed the tape and then nods. I politely ask, "Could you take that second one off as I've only purchased one"


This is when I notice that she has tossed my reusable bag up on the counter next to the penpad and is placing my items in a regular plastic bag.


She tells me the total. I pay. I take my items from the plastic bag and place them in the reusable one myself. I then hand her the empty plastic bag and she proceeds to THROW IT AWAY IN THE TRASH!! And so, what really was the point of that??!!??!


I walk out the store feeling shamed for maybe getting in line with MORE than 10 items and Bernice was not very nice to me. As I drive home I am getting more and more upset about the situation and how I've been treated. It's not like I was holding anyone up if I had 12 items. I was the only person in her line. Ughhh. I get  home and come inside to put away my purchases.


I find the receipt. I check to see just how many items I had.


ELEVEN


I was wrong. I got in a lane and I was over the limit. No......wait a minute.......


The bitch never took the double scanned item off EVEN AFTER I BROUGHT IT TO HER ATTENTION. And, then she scolded me for having too many items for her line. She didn't pack my items in the bag I provided her with and she THREW AWAY the bag I gave back to her.


Bernice was not a nice lady.


I called to ask them to return the double scanned item price to my credit card and mentioned to them what a witch Bernice was being to me; scolding and what not. The manager said, "Oh, no problem, just come back in the store and we'll put the money back on your card."


EXCUSE ME???? I will not be coming back to your store anytime soon. YOUR MISTAKE. Fix it.


And he did.


I banned Target for nearly a month after this incident. It wasn't their first ban and definitely won't be the last.


Tell me in the comments about YOUR best example of the WORST customer service EVER.


And Bernice, I don't like you. You're mean :* (That's me spitting at her)

OMG NO!!! Not my Stain Stick!

This is why people become hoarders!! Have you ever used a product on a daily basis that is AWESOME!!! This product could be shampoo or a certain type of garbage liner that fits JUST RIGHT.  Stay with me now. Maybe you've got something (very likely you do) that you LOVE and you know is now unavailable. It might be that discontinued fragrant candle that you burn on special occasions or any number of other things you ration because, once it's gone, it's all gone forever. 

In a world where you can go to the store and buy ANYTHING you want it seems absurd to stash a few bottles of lotion (okay 8) under the sink or load up on ZOTs at the swimming pool candy stand. You see, my friends you have just entered my world. A place where little in constant. 

I found out recently that the Stain Stick I know and love, has been discontinued. That's right. GONE. After trial and error throughout my college career and well into my homemaking run I have found that SPRAY N WASH stain stick is THE BOMB. Now, what will I do without it?

Lucky for me I have discovered that on Amazon.com I can still purchase a 5 pack of this stain stick for about $35. You may be thinking to yourself, "Is it good enough that it's worth $7 a pop?" And the answer to that question is, "HELL YES!"

So, my friends what have you loved and lost in the way of MOMMY products (whether personal or household use) and which do you love so much that the thought of losing them makes you CRINGE?

I wanna hear.

The time I broke my cat

When I was about 10 years old I had a bitchy cat named Heidi. She only loved me and that was a stretch. She was twitchy. She'd come up and rub against your leg and when you bent down to pet her she'd bite your hand.

The story starts on Saturday morning. This is back in the day of the GOOD old school Sat AM cartoons. I was headed downstairs hugging blanket and pillow out in front of me. I bent over and picked up the cat and stuffed her in the top of the wad. I continued down the steps. Near the bottom I tripped, tumbled and fell flat on my cat and blanket pile. On impact the cat screeched. She jumped up and ran into the other room to hide. I felt terrible since I thought I really might have hurt her, but she was too far under the couch for me to reach so I left her alone.

Later during the middle of Smurfs she slunk out from behind the couch and started to walk over to me. All of the sudden she hunched down, stuck her ass up in the air and started to yowl. I was terrified. I honestly thought that I had done internal damage to my cat and her organs. "She's going to die!" I thought to myself. "And it's all my fault". So, I run upstairs to tell my mother about the cats strange behavior hoping that she can diagnose her injury and possibly give some hope that she may recover.

I burst into the kitchen and scream, "I dropped Heidi while I was running down the stairs and I think I did something to her". I explained to my mom how the cat was acting. She listened intently (she's raised many a farm cat and has seen just about everything). As I finished I stared intently in her eyes. She held in a giggle and then let it go into a full on, almost snorting laugh, "I don't think that YOU made Heidi go into heat when you dropped her down the stairs!"

So, then we had to have the talk about cats in heat and you kind of see where this is going. I was just thrilled that I hadn't somehow broken her and she was going to live to be an old, decrepit, bitchy cat.

My Maiden Name's Control Freak.......Should I Hyphenate?

My maiden name's Control Freak
I'm taking his name too
And this is what has caused my dilema
Oh, what's a girl to do? 


"Should I hyphenate?" I ask
It seems a simple thing
Yet Mrs. Control Freak- Procrastinator
just doesn't have that ring


His family is "normal"
He shrugs with open hand
Mine's the one whose lost it
Agreed, but let's expand


You're the oldest child
Been married just a while
You've got a brother and a sister
Neither been down the isle


Ah, now you see where this is going
We've got some years on you
A lot of crazy can happen
between 18 and 32


It's true you're just beginning
what you've so cleverly described
Your Bobsled Straight to Hell

Oh Love, Enjoy the Ride.

Why I’m not inviting my mother to read my blog…

Here is a flashback inspired by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop. The prompt being; Why I'm not inviting my mother (or mother-in-law) to read my blog.
The time I first went to Woodmen Valley Chapel

This should be an inspiring one right?
I get invited to a lingerie party at Eden. At this time, Eden was still fairly new and this was an invite only party. I figure I'll go and wear some sexy outfit that basically looks like a dress. No booby tassels or fishnets, wait- I did wear fishnets. Anyway, so I wear this hella tight little body sock thing that goes under a dress. It's all black and it covers everything that's important to cover. Breasts, belly, back, butt and came about 2 inches above my knees. Fairly conservative for a lingerie party if I say so myself.

Tyng and I at Eden's Lingerie Party

The party's fun, but gets boring and Eden is not a great fun place to dance (at least it wasn't at this time) We decide to go to Rum Bay. Now, Stop right there cuz I know what you're thinking. RUM BAY?? Seriously, but understand this was KARA B and at this time life revolved around 3 things; Gin Martinis, Dancing and Karaoke. C'mon people, Rum Bay has all these things, plus tons of crazy bastards to just watch and shake your head at.

So the decision was made. Rum Bay. My (so-called) friends were headed home to "change clothes" which I later learned meant, crash for the night and never come back. I didn't need to go home and change cuz I had brought my favorite black strappy dress to just put on over top of my underwear thing. I ended up at Rum Bay by myself, but I honestly barely noticed. When I got to the door, I asked the bouncer if I had to put my dress on to get in and he just kind of gave me this look like WTF? So, I was carrying my dress in one hand and cell phone in the other. My money and ID were stuffed in my fishnet stockings............Wow, never really realized how bad this story is until I sat down to type it out.

Singing "Piano Man"

I went straight to copy cats to sing Piano Man and Hurt So Good. While I was up singing I left my dress draped over the chair and disposable camera and phone on the table. When I came back from singing the second time, my effects had disappeared. I searched all over that bar (all 7 bars) looking for that dress and my phone. Every time I said it I got weirder and weirder looks. "Someone stole my dress and my phone" and then they just looked at me like, WTF?? So I just quit telling people.

I looked all over and finally gave up the search. I was outside Rum Bay crying when a group of people came up and asked me if I wanted them to pray with me. I was kind of like, Well......couldn't hurt. Maybe I can find my phone and dress through some divine intervention. We pray, I feel a little better. Still mad about the dress and then now that I'm feeling bad about those other things,I'm also feeling pretty bad about being out at the bar BY MYSELF without a phone or a ride. These nice praying people offer me a ride and I accept. The condition is that I go with them the next day to church and they will take me to my car afterward. I happily agree thinking they'll never come get me for church the next morning and I'll find a ride down here later.

The next day I woke up, got ready and went to church. Dude was there on the dot to pick me up. That was the first Sunday that I ever went to Woodmen Valley Chapel. See THAT!?!? Sometimes you get drunk and robbed and end up crying in your underwear while weirdos just try to help you by saying a prayer for you and it's just like my Mother-in-Law says, "It always works out in the end." Pshhhhaaaat.

I Can't Let Go

Raindrops on roses are mere child's play compared to my list of favorite things. I have come to realize that in my everyday life there are THINGS that I treasure beyond words, but only ever realize their amazing value if they go missing or GOD FORBID become lost forever. I figured since I just told you all what a crazy shopper I used to be that I'd share some things that ended up lasting me thru the long haul because they ROCK. I'm going to go with my top 5 things. I'm sure I could come up with 100 or more, but we'll keep it short for today. Here's my list:

1. My Blanket
Mine is micro fleece. It's a double sized one in this ugly grayish sage color. I can't live without it. It is very much like my actual childhood "blankie". When I was 4 years old and my brother was watching me while my parents were at some Chamber of Commerce meeting. My blankie was no where to be found. Troy called Mom and Dad and had them paged in the middle of the meeting. My Mom came to the phone. Troy said, "We can't find Kara's blanket and she says she's gonna die without it." Well, it turns out it was in the drier from it's weekly washing. Thank GOD since I very well could have died.



2. My Chef'n Peeler

If you don't know what this is, study the picture carefully. Remember it and take that memory to the kitchen gadget isle of your nearest Target. Buy one. Holy crap. Whoever thought up this thing definitely had my apple addiction in mind. It wraps around your middle finger and peels anything you can hold in your other hand licktysplit. This is the part where I shamefully tell you that I eat nearly 3 apples a day (usually caked with peanutbutter) I cannot always afford organic apples so removing the peel is the safest I can get with a conventional one.

3. My Black North Face Denali Jacket
One word: AWESOME. This was especially great in Colorado since the weather there changes so quickly. This is a perfect Fall, Mild winter, Cold Spring, Camping, Biking anything Jacket. It looks like something straight out of the trailer by now (it's close to 8 or 9 years old) PS if you want one, don't plan on finding it on sale. I got mine 20% off back in 2003 when I joined REI and got a 20% off one regular priced item. I scoured the earth looking for that jacket on sale. Never found it.

4. My OXO Dish Brush
I use it like 100 times a day. it has an awesome little soap dispenser right inside. You have to water the soap down a little bit, but it's amazing. Maneuverable and the brush part comes off so you can run it thru the dishwasher every once in a while, but you can also buy replacement brushes. They come in a two pack. We got ours at Bed Bath and Beyond. I sometimes break out in song whilst scrubbing, "I'd like to buy the world an OXO" Who wouldn't LOVE this thing?

5. My Dansko Clogs
For those of you that have not hit your motherly, I think I'm eccentric, practical, slip on and go stage, it's coming. These clogs are the gold that I store in the coat closet. Just today when I took Jack to the inflatables crazy kids place to bounce around I had to remove my shoes, but I did not let my shoes out of sight. I own the mahogany pair shown here and another camel colored pair that are Mary Jane's. LOVE THESE SHOES. Whatever you are wearing, they go. Even really cute with skirts and tights.






Just scrolling thru and seeing the pictures here of all my favorite things gives me a happy, warm feeling all over.
Now, you leave me a comment and let me know a few things on your list that you just could not go on a minute longer in life without. I'm anxious to hear. :)

I HATE the Mall!!!! Ughhh!!

So, as a general rule, I do no frequent the mall......anywhere. I'm quite happy with my usual stops to the grocery store and occasional Target or local Co-op. I despise the mall. It is interesting because about 6 or 7 years ago it was my favorite place to be. This was back when I had hours to stroll around and I didn't have money to spend, but I bought everything anyway. Victoria's Secret, Bath and Body Works and Old Navy were some of the list toppers.

This past week, Tuesday, I ventured out on a "Mommy's Day". My mission was to find a multipack of black cotton thongs. Women will know exactly why I was in search of BLACK cotton thongs and why I need about 5-7 of them. The last time I bought any underwear was years ago. All that shopping I did at the mall so long ago left me with an underwear collection large enough to put off laundry for about 2 months and that is a LOT of underwear.

My first stop, Kohl's. I've grown fond of Kohl's recently only because their kids' clothes brand (Jumping Beans) are extremely inexpensive and very, very cute. But, I digress. Kohl's has tons of everything I don't specifically need. On to Target......NOPE not what I want. I am noticing at all these places I've stopped that the individual cotton thongs are priced about the same no matter where you go. And, so I'm thinking why not go to Victoria's Secret and just get what you know you want and will fit comfortably.  I WILL TELL YOU WHY!!

The Mall is a terrible, awful, horrible place. It's meant for people who have lots of money (or debt and credit cards) and lots and lots of TIME. I am neither and none of those people. I don't enjoy a single thing in the mall or in the food court except the occasional TCBY's White Chocolate Mousse.

I got what I wanted and VS did not let me down.Upon leaving the store I noticed a very strong (and may I say very skanky) perfume scent that seemed to be radiating from ....ME!?!?! Ahhh....yes, they've doused the tissue paper in my VS bag with there newest mating fragrance. Wow, I've been away so long.

I managed to make it out of the mall alive. I did, however almost get talked into buying a nail buffer kit from the Seacret of the Dead Sea lady. OMG.....a totally different day I'll tell that story. I was just happy that I would not have to go back to that mall again in the foreseeable future.

That is until today. My Mother-in-law calls us to meet at TJ Maxx before we go out to eat with relatives in town for the evening. How fun. I love going out to eat. At TJ Maxx, it's decided that we are heading over to meet at the MALL in the food court. OKAY. We meet, sit down and all go our seperate ways to gather food and then reconvene. I set my keys on the table with Jack's sippy cup and start to get out his dinner.Well, dinner is fine. Jack gets his veggie, chicken mush and applesauce, cookies and juice. I hold off eating there thinking there has got to be something better in my fridge at home than Chinese food, DQ or Pizza.

They all stand up and make plans to meet back in this same spot in an hour (My aunt Peg doesn't own a cell phone so they made plans old school style). Jack and I are headed home for a bath and snuggle time, plus dinner for me. As I am gathering my stuff I'm frantically looking for the keys. Where in the F#*$ are my keys?? I'm I so stupid that I can't keep track of them thru dinner? We look, and then someone makes the observation that the keys WERE on the table and when Peg got up to leave she MAY have put them in her pocket thinking they were hers. WHAT?!?!?! Really?!?! That just seems odd to me, but we'll go with it.

Well, that is, in fact, exactly what happened. We had her paged 2 times but it was really useless since the pages cannot be heard in the individual stores themselves.My Mother-in-Law, Jack (in his stroller THANK GOD!) and I walked around the mall aimlessly for an hour. I was like one of those high school kids with NOTHING better to do than wander.

It was EXASPERATING!

I watched my son's eyes turn into saucers as we passed the Victoria's Secret windows. He stared up at those giant boobs and said, "Bell Butt". "Yeah right hon, I know you are just checking out her belly button!"  and then he starts to pant,"Heeh Heh Heh". I am now very aware of these naked women that are like twice life sized. He's panting at the little pink polka dotted stuffed dog on display.I jokingly say to myself, "Yep, Boobs and dogs, man's best friends." I suddenly become aware of how much I am really uncomfortable with my son seeing such a spectacle  I'm very surprised that he didn't scream out "MILK MILK!!" Obscene!
.
At the end of the hour I was hungry and tired. We made our way back to the food court for our hour later meeting. I had to chuckle to myself as we walked by the Seacret lady and she was totally selling someone that buffer set. The set I got close to being talked into paying $25 for a few days prior, just for that flipping awesome buffer. She smiles cuz she recognizes me and almost lunges toward me again. I look away and walk faster. Once we reunite with the Aunt who stole my keys I figure most of this night's ridiculousness could be erased if I could just get a TCBY cup to go and eat at home after my 9:00 dinner.

Do you think they had White Chocolate Mousse?? Really?? Okay, NO they didn't. And this, my friends, is why I hate the mall!

I'd Walk a Mile for a .......

So here it is. I'd walk a mile for a Salty Dog chocolate bar from B.T. McElrath. This deliciously naughty little treat comes in a bite sized piece wrapped in turquoise foil and sells for 69 cents each at our local co-op. Worth it. Oh sweetie, YES!!! You best find one of these babies, buy it, eat it and report back to me. Here's what you're gonna experience; Dark Chocolate with little chunks of butter toffee and if that's not enough the bottom of the whole chocolate bar is sprinkled with sea salt. Yeah, that's right, sea salt. It's flippin' amazing. I will apologize ahead of time for getting you addicted to these. They are nearly $5 a piece for the whole bar, but you might just as well buy it or you'll end up buying like 10 of the little bites (and they ain't cheap)